CHILDFREE BY CHOICE
Yes, I’m married and 40, and no, I won’t change my mind.
I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve been told that I’ll change my mind when I ‘meet the right person’, or when I ‘get older’. The assumption that every woman wants children is tiresome, and I have always been flabbergasted at other women who would continue to ask me when I’m having children, when they had no idea of my circumstances. While I am childfree by choice, the people who ask when I’m planning/having children don’t know that it’s a choice until I tell them.
The response when if I do tell them that I’m not having kids and don’t plan to? ‘What, never? Why not?’ ‘Who’s going to look after you when you’re old?’ ‘Don’t you want a little you running around?’ And of course, the assumption that because my childhood wasn’t exactly magical, it’s made me not want to pass on generational trauma - ‘oh that’s a shame, it’ll be so different if you have your own’
Don’t get me wrong, I understand why people are curious or can’t understand it - hello patriarchy - but wouldn’t it be nice to live in a world where my worth as a woman isn’t defined by whether I want to bring a child into this world or not? To be told it’s selfish not to? To be told I’ll regret it if I don’t?
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t sometimes wonder over the years if I would regret it, or if I really, maybe, did want kids but the trauma of my own childhood blocked any thoughts of it. But, whatever the reason, I knew it would just never be for me. Sure, I played with all the dolls as a kid, but as I got older I never once had a thought of having children. I honestly can’t remember a time I dreamt of it, or had it planned for my future.
I’ve never had the pain and longing for a child, not even for a second, the way other women do. It made me wonder, was I less of a woman for not wanting children? Was there something wrong with me? Here I was, happily married, with zero longing for a baby. Would it really ‘complete’ my life, the way others told me it would?
I’ll never forget speaking to a customer about children (I was a makeup artist in retail for years, and this conversation came up often) and she told me that because I wanted a pet, it really meant I wanted a baby. Yeah, getting a cat…totally the same as bringing a human life into the world.
My husband and I are so happy without children that he got the old snip last year, much to the upset of some family members. But here’s the thing - having a baby to make others happy? Not a reason to do it. We don’t want kids, and that’s ok.
Is our life barren and empty without them? Less full of love? Eh, no. We have no regrets, not one. We love kids, we love our niece and nephew, our friend’s children - they are all magical and wonderful little people. There is honestly no judgement from me for people who have kids, or decide they want to. Does it mean we should have our own? Nope. We are happy with our lives just as they are, we feel no pressure to change that because society tells us it’s the thing to do.
When was the last time you heard a man be asked when he’s having kids, or why he isn’t - especially if he’s married? I don’t think my husband has ever been asked, maybe a couple of times at most. Working almost solely with women for most of my working life led to me being asked on a pretty regular basis, usually by women older than me who had children of their own. I’m sure they thought they were doing good by trying to convince me I was making the wrong decision, but here’s the thing - having children is not an essential part of being a woman. Not having them doesn’t make me any less of one. If you have them, or want them, awesome. I’m happy for you. It’s just not for me.
So, please, do us a favour and stop asking women when they are going to have kids.
If they do or don’t, or can’t, it’s literally no one else’s business but theirs.
