HOW TO STOP PEOPLE PLEASING
I’ve lost count of how many women I’ve spoken to that struggle with self worth - and that struggle often goes hand in hand with people pleasing. But how do you know if you even are people pleasing, when so many of us don’t have a clue? We think we are just being kind, or just being a good person by putting others first. We’re just being helpful, and what is wrong with that? Well, nothing, if that’s all it is. But when it goes beyond that, it leads to low self-esteem, stress, having zero energy and even anxiety and depression as you push your real feelings down into your shadow. If any of these resonate, you could be in people pleaser territory:
YOU NEVER SAY ‘NO’
Never miss a social event? Maybe you just love being around people and feel recharged afterwards. But if you say yes and then fake an illness or some other excuse to get out of it, perhaps you’re putting others needs before your own. Saying yes to everyone and everything just in case their feelings are hurt, or you feel like they will think badly of you, will only lead to you being taken advantage of - it turns into a given that you will always do what is asked. Read more about how to set boundaries here
YOU ARE CONSTANTLY APOLOGISING
Is sorry your most used word? Constantly apologising, taking the blame for things that aren’t your fault and apologising for the tiniest thing are sure signs of people pleasing. How often do you actually mean it? Chances are you are so used to saying ‘sorry’ as a response that you don’t even notice anymore. And if you’re saying it all the time, others won’t feel like you mean it either. You don’t need to be sorry for being you.
YOU AGREE WITH EVERYONE
…even when you don’t. You feel scared to voice your own opinion for fear of any sign of conflict, so you end up pretending to agree with other’s opinions for an easy life. Of course, we don’t want to disagree for the sake of it, but pretending to agree all the time will eventually wear you down as it goes against your own values, and leaves you feeling inauthentic. You’re doing yourself a disservice by not voicing your own valuable opinion.
YOU HAVE NO FREE TIME
And feel weighed down by your full calendar that doesn’t leave any time for you and the things you actually want to do. If your ‘free time’ is full of seeing other people and fulfilling obligations you wish you had said no to, you are in people pleaser territory. Have a think about the last time you made any space for you and only you in your diary.
So, you’re a people pleaser. What now? Don’t worry, here are some ways you can quit:
FIVE WAYS YOU CAN STOP PEOPLE PLEASING, RIGHT NOW:
START SMALL
To go from saying yes to everything to saying no to everything is only going to cause even more stress, so start small by changing how you answer an invite. Instead of instantly saying yes and worrying about how you will fit it in or come up with an excuse, try saying ‘Let me check my diary and I’ll let you know’, or ‘Let me get back to you’. This gives you time to actually check your diary and see if it’s something you can or want to commit to, and if it isn’t, you can let them know that you have other plans. If you worry that they will want to know what you’re doing instead, have something prepared. Using ‘Let me get back to you’ also means you don’t have to give an answer face-to-face, and you can reply with a text later on. Much easier!
APOLOGISE WHEN YOU MEAN IT
You know what we were saying about sorry being your favourite word? Time to practice saying it when you really mean it, rather than as an automatic response. The first step is trying to catch yourself in the act. Just because you’ve decided to stop apologising all the time, doesn’t mean it will happen overnight. But, if you can catch yourself while it’s already coming out of your mouth, you will be become more aware of how often it happens and what you are saying sorry for. Grab a post it or your phone and take a tally of how many times you say it in a day - you’ll be amazed how often it is.
The next step is replacing ‘sorry’ with ‘thank you’. I know, this sounds really tough. But if you can do the swap just once a day, you’ll soon get used to it and see that no one thinks any less of you for it. Try these:
Rather than ‘Sorry I’m late’, try ‘Thanks for waiting’.
Rather than ‘Sorry for being such a moan’, try ‘Thanks for listening’.
Rather than ‘Sorry for the mistake’, try ‘Thanks for catching that!’.
GIVE YOURSELF APPROVAL
One of the best ways you can kick people pleasing to the curb is to give yourself the validation and approval you usually get from others. Start by writing a list of all your strengths and successes, and keep a success journal. Every day, find something you’re proud of yourself for doing, even if it’s just getting up and facing the day when all you wanted to do was hide under the covers and take note of what you did to break your people pleasing habit. After a few weeks, you will realise how awesome you actually are and start to see your strengths. You’ll be a good listener for one! What else?
Next, get on the affirmation train. Suck up the cringe and say some loving affirmations to yourself in the mirror:
I trust in you
I believe in you
I am worthy of love
I deserve to be happy
I have so much to offer
If that feels like too much, start with writing these or any that elicit an emotional response in your journal. Make your phone, iPad and laptop wallpaper a kickass affirmation, and leave post it’s with affirmations or mantras where you can see them every day. Switch them up on a weekly basis. You are an incredible person - don’t let yourself forget it.
BREAK THE FIXER HABIT
Someone starts telling you their problems, or what a hard time they are having, and you immediately find yourself having racing thoughts of how you can fix their problem - leading to suggestions spilling out of your mouth before they have even finished telling you what’s going on. Stop and take a breath. Did they actually ask for your help? Maybe they just want to vent and are looking for some sympathy or validation of their experience. You don’t have to fix everything for everyone - sometimes the best thing you can do is listen. Next time, challenge yourself to wait until you’re asked for help before volunteering.
SELF. CARE.
Right now you’re no doubt feeling totally depleted with zero energy. If you really want to be there for other people in a meaningful way, you need to look after yourself first. Tap into what you need - sleep, more nutrition, getting outside? Get your calendar right now, and mark out an hour/afternoon/morning/weekend/whatever you can fit in, to do something that is taking care of you. Get your hair done, have a long bath, journal, book a session with a coach, book a treatment, read, rest, meditate…the list is endless. Carve out time each week that fills your cup, and you will start to feel better about yourself and have the energy to give back to others.
Which one of these 5 tips are you going to start with?
