WHY DOES SETTING BOUNDARIES MAKE US FEEL LIKE SHIT?

As a coach, I often talk about setting and maintaining boundaries. They are super important, and a radical act of self care. So why does it feels so shit?

This past year, I’ve been in some situations where I’ve had to set firm boundaries. The kind that are needed for my mental health, and theirs. Knowing this, it should be easy to state said boundary, and follow through, right? Ummm…that would be a no. It feels pretty horrible actually, and sometimes painful. We are bombarded by messages and infographics all over the internet that tell us what we should be saying - ‘If this continues, I won’t be spending time here’, ‘If you continue to guilt me, I will end this conversation’, and then everything will be better between you both. The other party will respond well, the air will be cleared and all your issues will go away. I don’t know about you, but just the thought of saying some of these phrases that are touted as the only way to set boundaries breaks me out in a cold sweat. Even if we do pluck up the courage to say things in this way, and the other person takes it on board, it feels horrible. You don’t feel good, you feel guilty. You worry that you’ve hurt their feelings, that you’re a terrible person. Where is the promised sense of relief? The mended relationship? You feel like you must be doing something wrong here….

You aren’t. The reason it still feels shit, is because growth is HARD. It is messy, and squiggly, and often feels painful. You’re pushing yourself right out of your comfort zone, you’ve been raised to think that you should be selfless, you want to please people so they don’t abandon you, you are using all the coping mechanisms that you learned as a child that in reality don’t help you anymore, you’ve been taught it’s selfish to put yourself fist. Not to mention how much more comfortable it is to be in a dysfunctional dynamic when it’s all we know. To reiterate - you are not doing it wrong. You are human.

The irony of being yet another voice on the internet talking about boundaries is not lost on me - you don’t have to follow anything I, or anyone else, suggests. We are all different, and the same advice isn’t going to work for everyone. Take what works for you and leave the rest.

Think about why you are setting a boundary. If you didn’t want a relationship with them, you wouldn’t be doing it in the first place. You wouldn’t be torturing yourself with thoughts of how to have the conversation, or feeling that anger swell in your chest when you think about their behaviour. You want to work it out, right?

There’s no right or wrong way to set boundaries, but when you say something like ‘I will not discuss this with you’, it’s a rigid boundary. It leaves no room for a conversation around behaviour on either side. This isn’t wrong, and sometimes it is needed, but it’s perhaps not the healthiest way to go about it - especially if you want a relationship with that person. Maybe there is a more effective way to open the conversation.

I wanted to share something my counsellor said during a session that really stuck with me:

‘You are 100% responsible for 50% of the relationship’.

Hoe does that sit with you? The Instagram self help space is awash with advice to just cut ties and be done with that person. A) It’s never that easy and B) Sometimes our behaviour has been pretty shit too. On the flip side, you can only do what you can do - 50%. You need to find the balance that works for you and feels aligned with who you are. Boundaries are an important part of having healthy relationships that work for everyone involved, and having them in place helps you feel safe and comfortable, meaning you can have trust in that person.

So, now what?

Here are some ways you can start to set boundaries effectively:

Focus on the ‘I’, not the ‘You’

Starting the conversation with what they have done wrong is a recipe for defensiveness, and no one listens when they are in defence mode. Keep the focus you you and how you are feeling by starting the sentence with ‘I’. Don’t blame the other person - try your best to communicate the boundary from a place of compassion. For example ‘I feel neglected and hurt when you look at your phone while I’m talking to you. Can we have a ‘no phones at the dinner table’ rule?’.

And also

Replace the ‘but’ with ‘and also’ - for example: ‘I’d love to hang out next week, and also when you don’t let me know you’re running late, it’s disrespectful of my time. Next time you’re running late, please let me know’. Changing ‘but’ to ‘and also’ helps to soften it, so have a think about how you can make this swap when you are setting a boundary.

Practice

You know when you run through the conversation in your head a hundred times before it happens, and it still goes to pot when the time comes? Get it out of your head and you are less likely to get tongue tied. Practice saying it out loud until it rolls off the tongue and you are comfortable saying it. Even better, practice the conversation with a trusted loved one to get used to having those uncomfortable conversations and be able to keep a cool head.

Forget the word ‘boundary’

You don’t need to state the obvious. Starting the conversation with ‘I’m setting a boundary’ will instantly get their back up and more than likely will come across as psychobabble instead of your authentic self. Remember, use ‘I’ statements to avoid blame.

Don’t assume

You will have an idea about how they will take it, or what they are feeling, but really you have no way of knowing what the other person is truly thinking. They could actually be relieved that you put a boundary in place by saying no to hanging out - maybe they don’t have the energy or headspace either. Letting them know you’d love to chat about the same issue they’ve been having for a long time, and also have they ever thought about counselling, will help them to solve their own problems and take their own agency back. Assuming your boundary will hurt them is taking agency away from them - the reality is that healthy boundaries will help you both know where you stand.

Set a consequence

A boundary without a consequence (and actually following through) is just a threat, and we don’t want to go about threatening people. Before you speak to the other person, think about what the consequence will be and let them know. For example, if you are if someone is raising their voice to you, you can let them know that you find it stressful to be around raised voices and you’ll need to leave the room if they can’t lower their voice. If they continue to not lower their voice, leave the room. Following through on your boundary is important. Another example could be if you have let someone know that you can’t see them on a particular night then cave and go anyway - you’re doing yourself a disservice and they now think you don’t mean what you say.

And if, after having some open and honest conversations, the other person has a visceral reaction, ask yourself why. What were they gaining from you not stating those boundaries before now? Perhaps it is time to move on. There is a line we need to be aware of, so take a step back and ask yourself how much you want to have this person in your life if they continue to have extreme reactions to boundary setting. You deserve to be treated with the same respect you give to others.